Friday, February 11, 2005

You Really Can't Make This Stuff Up!


HOUSTON (Reuters) - A Texas woman indicted last month for allegedly giving her husband a lethal sherry enema said he was an enema addict who did it to himself, a newspaper reported Thursday.

Tammy Jean Warner said late husband Michael Warner had an alcohol problem and enjoyed giving himself wine or sherry enemas [and who doesn't?!] because his body would absorb the spirits more quickly that way.

"That's the way he went out and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because he loved his enemas," she told the Houston Chronicle. [A common discussion topic at EA meetings -- if you could go with anything packed in your colon and lower intestine, what would it be? Sherry? Coq au Vin? Brittney Spears?]

Michael Warner, 58, died on May 21 and was found to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent, or nearly six times the level considered too drunk to drive in Texas. [Three times the level where it's considered safe to poop.]

Mrs. Warner, 42, is accused of giving her husband a sherry enema even though she knew alcohol was bad for this health and faces a charge of criminally negligent homicide. "There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no way," she said. ["Why? I hate Sherry...that's why. I'm an armagnac girl!"]

Police in Lake Jackson, Texas, 40 miles south of Houston, said there was evidence that Mr. Warner had received [I mean, "received"] two large bottles of sherry. [The lethal result of the procedure strongly suggests that the Sherry should have been removed from the bottles prior to being "administered."]

"It all started back when he was a child," Mrs. Warner explained. "His mother used to give him enemas all the time, and he started to depend on them." "He did coffee enemas [good to the last drop], he did Castile soap, Ivory soap" she said. [nothing like a good sudsy BM, I always say.] "He had enema recipes." [I am thinking about a new cable reality show based on this.]

["I gave him all these, but not sherry -- no way man," Mrs. Warner explained. "He loved cats though...squirmy little buggers. Gave him cat enemas all the time. Tough to get em through the tube, but once they're loaded? Look out!"]

[Above: A photo of the decedent, moments after receiving his most recent cat enema, and just before he lost consciousness. Sadly, there were no feline survivors.]

Mrs. Warner, a former bartender who got married to Warner in October 2002, is also charged with destroying his will, but she denied the charge, the Chronicle said. Currently free on $30,000 bail, she is scheduled to go to trial in July.

If convicted, she faces up to two years in prison and a $10,000 fine on each charge. [Texas enema statutes dictate that, had she used vodka, she would be facing up to 5 years. A wine cooler enema gets you probation and some community service in the Lone Star State.]