Tuesday, June 24, 2008

UN Warns Iran: Don't Hog the Clamato

NEW YORK - The United Nations today issued a stern warning to the leaders of Iran to cease and desist their actions allegedly aimed at cornering the market for the world's most popular tomato and clam juice based beverage, Clamato.

"It is a dangerous game to play and a slippery slope. Once one threatens to constrict supply of a resource like Clamato, and to use that leverage to extract concessions in lower priority matter like oil prices and nuclear weaponry, you really don't know how dire the situation could become or where it might end" said U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.

Clamato - a portmanteau of "clam" and "tomato" - was first produced in its current form in 1966 by the Mott company. The brand and trademark are now owned by Cadbury-Schweppes, which also owns such popular juice drinks as "Bananonion" and "Beetsparilla".

Iran's actions are of course most dire to Canada, whose national cocktail is the Caesar - a mixture of Clamato, vodka, Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce. Due to the run on Caesars caused by what is already being referred to as the Clamato Panic of 2008, the entirety of Canada fell into a drunken stupor and was unavailable for comment.

Friday, March 14, 2008

World Leader Talent Show a Dud

SUNNYVALE, CA In a brazen publicity stunt, YouTube recently challenged "all world leaders, dignitaries and luminaries" to an online talent contest dubbed "Last World Leader Standing". The contest challenged players on the world stage to upload video of their best acts, stunts or talents to the site, and allow the world to vote for their favorite.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy made the first offering, noting "all of my life, had I not been a politician, I would have become a mime." Sarkozy is pictured in the screenshot below, miming the image of a child holding his Christmas list and gazing up at a fake Santa. Either that, or a badger preparing to clean his whiskers. Or tweaking the nipples of an imaginary, hovering spirit nymph.

Also entering the rather disappointing fray was Zimbabwe ruler, Robert Mugabe, who stunned viewers by rapping several verses of Snoop Dogg's "Drop It Like It's Hot", while sporting a shirt emblazoned with pictures of himself, in front of a giant banner of himself. Mugabe commented with the video post "If that bitch Sarkozy think he can drop some shit like this, he be crazy - bitch needs to change his shirt and roll in a big-body Benz. Check it!"

Perhaps the most disappointing entry came from Pope Benedict XVI, and his version of "Peekaboo! I See You!" behind his sceptre.

Although no other entries have been submitted at this time, DotCommentary has it on good authority that Hilary and Barack Obama will be submitting a duet of the Sonny and Cher hit "I Got You Babe".