Friday, August 19, 2005

Los Angeles Kings Sued For Hate Crime

LOS ANGELES - August 16: A former Japanese national hockey team member is suing the Los Angeles Kings, claiming he has been the victim of a hate crime.

Yutaka Fuji played with the Japan's national ice hockey team three times. He is pictured here displaying the his Los Angeles Kings jersey left in his locker, with a "modification" of his last name, during a news conference in Tokyo Thursday, Aug. 18, 2005.

The 22-year old Tokyo-born goalie reported to the Japanese media that he and the Kings of the National Hockey League agreed to a two-year entry level contract earlier this month.

"I mean, really, it's not even that funny - fuk-u-fuji? Seriously..." commented Fuji at the press conference. "What kind of message does this send to the millions of Japanese youth hockey players who dream of being 3rd tier NHL players? It's saddest for them."

Six-foot-1 and 170 pounds Fuji was selected by the Kings 238th overall in the 2004 NHL Entry Draft.

To compensate him for this humiliation, Fuji is claiming unspecified damages for and a mandatory contract extension in the case.

"It's damn embarassing," said Don Pinker, a Kings representative. "We thought is was his name...who can tell with these guys!?"

The case is expected to go to trial in October.

Donkey Files Charges - Claims Zebra Heritage

CAIRO - August 19 -- Egyptian newspapers reported today that a Cairo donkey has formally filed charges against his owner, one Bubu Kahotep, for what the donkey claims are unfit living conditions.

"Frankly, the smell of him alone is enough to offend all my delicate sensibilities," said the donkey, known to friends as "Zonk", in a document filed with the court on Wednesday.

"For the love of Osiris, he's a donkey! Give me a freaking break," commented Kahotep, pictured above with Zonk outside the Cairo courthouse.

In fact, the core of the barnyard plaintiff's case is his claim of Zebraic ancestry which, he maintains, entitles him to certain privilges and preferences not normally enjoyed by Donkeys.

"The zebra and donkey are indeed separate equine species, but they are capable of interbreeding" commented Zonk in an interview last week. "The crossing of a zebra stallion and donkey mare is recorded as far back as the 1700s and has become popular in America in recent years, I'm told. The hybrid is referred to as a "Zonk", "Zeedonk" or "Zonkey."

"Annubis H. Imhowet! Look at him? Does he look like a zebra?" remarked Kahotep.

Zonk's filing claims that Kahotep has engaged in several forms of sub-Zebraic treatment, including leading him around on a rope, insisting that he relieve himself outside the desert lean-to, and denying him his instinctive grazing privileges.

"Grazing?! We live in the godforsaken desert!" noted a visibly agitated Kahotep.

"Whatever. He also smells terrible" claimed the donkey. "This is not an ethnic stereotype you understand, he is just unpleasantly scented," commented Zonk in a recent interview. "What does he you know what a diet of mead and dates does to your lower GI?"

"All I ask is to be treated in a manner befitting a noble animal like a Zebra" said Zonk, who traces his ancestry to a small farm in Capetown, where his great grandmother is reported to have been engaged in a clandestine affair with a South African Zebra.

"Of course, in those days, in South Africa, the very notion of donkey-zebra social interaction, much less copulation, was an abomination and completely beyond the grasp of the famously conservative plains game. That said, my great grandmother is said to have possessed remarkable hindquarters -- love knows not stripes, nor barnyard fences."

Authorities expect the case to move to trial phase within several months. If the court finds for Zonk, Kahotep could be liable for monetary damages and back hay.