Monday, July 09, 2007

Trashy Women Numbers Down 30%

A new study commissioned and released by the National Institute for Coital Frequency reports that the number of American women who can reasonably classified as "trashy" has plummeted more than 30% since the last similar study conducted in 2002.The study analyzed the responses of the study group to a large number of statements, where respondents were asked to rate the statements on a scale of -5 ("NFW") to 5 ("Oh HELL Yeah"), with zero representing "I don't get it, but let's party."

Statements such as "Body shots rock!" and "What panties?" received an alarmingly low number of 5s from the study's participants, with "I prefer opera" and "I have cats" scoring much higher.

"This is of course a dark and dangerous conclusion we've come to, and it does not signal well for the segment of the population that prefers to screw frequently and without significant 'investment'" said NICF president Larry Einhammer. "Trashy women constitute a significant portion of the natural resource upon which our members rely, and the study makes clear that their numbers are dwindling."

The NICF is pushing legislation that would limit spending on school reading programs and substance abuse awareness in public schools, in an effort to boost trashiness among females.

"Five years ago, you could walk into a club and find 10 or 15 trashy women on the dance floor before 10 p.m." says NICF member Rodney Poonmesser. "Now, you go in and end up buying a bunch of drinks just so you can spend hours talking about stupid stuff like politics or global warming - this is a serious problem!"

The study blames the drop on the rise of Hilary Clinton, and the fall of Paris Hilton, both of whose names end in "-ton".

"Girls who, in past years might have ended up trashy, look at Paris and decide they don't want to go to prison" said Einhammer. "Then they look at Hillary and say 'being President might be cool'. You do the math. It's a huge problem for this country."

Hilton and Clinton could not be reached for comment.

To compound the problem, Einhammer points out, both hotness and disposable income are at all time highs among women, owing to increased use of plastic surgery and more gender neutrality in the workplace.

Poonmesser lamented "Before, you had not-so-bright trashy chicks who needed money and would do anything. Now I get a bunch of chicks who have awesome racks and tight little booties, but they're all too smart to talk to me, and make 5 times what I make. It's a genuine American tragedy!"

Mexican Reveler Killed

MEXICO CITY A Mexican male was killed yesterday in Mexico City after being struck by what authorities have identified as a low flying chicken.

Jorge Manuel Rivera de Villarosa, 39, was celebrating the victory of Mexico over Paraguay in the Copa America soccer match, when he was struck by a chicken that Mexican authorities estimate was traveling at approximately 355 miles per hour. Both de Villarosa and the flighty fowl were killed instantly. The avian projectile was apparently propelled by a makeshift cannon operated by a Paraguayan man as an act of retribution for the soccer match. The cannon was contructed on a rooftop near the Angel of Independence monument in Mexico City, where Villarosa, pictured here moments following his death, had been dancing with an unidentified poodle.

"It may have been a turkey - it's very difficult to tell since most of the bird vaporized on impact" said Mexico City detective Angel Cabrera de la Poontana. "Although if it was a turkey, it was a smallish one...or perhaps a fractional turkey...we haven't ruled out a partial projectile."

"I am deeply saddened that such fine poultry would be sacrificed in this way, especially in a nation where millions are starving - poodle can be tasty as well, when slow-roasted with chiles" commented Mexican president Felipe Calderon.

The poodle was miraculously unharmed.

Fearing that the poultry may have been of U.S. origin, and in an effort to avoid an international row, representatives of the U.S. FDA, CIA and Perdue Corporation were on hand.

"We at Perdue do not condone poultry-based weaponry - whether it's a cannon, a large slingshot made from surgical tubing, or home-made catapult...just for example" said Bernard Drumstatter, vice president of international incident management at Perdue.
"We recognize those things are funny as hell and great fodder for YouTube. Who doesn't like to see a chicken explode into a cloud of feathers and feet - still, it's frowned upon here at Perdue."

The CIA no significant comment, except to note that the chicken, in their view, may have been acting alone, and to assure Mexican authorities that there had been no US involvement in planning the attack.